Where does your greatest loyalty lie – are you most loyal to purpose, or people?
Answering this question makes for an interesting character sculpting choice, doesn’t it?
This sculpting happens all too often with Asian kids, and typically, these kids end up being people pleasers and obligation sufferers steering themselves away from their inner happiness.
I know of one young adult who received a job offer from out of state and was planning on accepting it until her Asian parents guilt-tripped her by saying “why do you want to move far away from us, do you hate us? What’s going to happen to us when you’re gone? Who’s going to take care of us?” She ended up declining the offer and took an internship closer to home. She’s miserable as she’s doing something she doesn’t want to do and has to wait a few months before even being considered for a full-time position.
These ultimatums on making life choices that will either benefit Asian parents or the child, but rarely ever both, are common within Asian families.
If you remain loyal to the people in your life, your alignment with your life’s purpose will be weaker. Should you have a conflict between people and purpose and choose to stick with people – you’re allowing for some misalignments with your purpose and this will cause a war within yourself.
For example, if your purpose is focused on personal growth, but you’re loyal to the people in your life above and beyond your purpose, you’ll stick with family and friends who are holding you back from growing. You may get sucked into pity parties or whine fests. You may decline opportunities that would allow you to be more aligned with your goals, growth, wants, and needs. You’re allowing others to deny you of your personal journey to discover what you’re made of and your purpose in life. If and when things go sideways with the loyalty you had with people, you’re going to wonder “why, what if…” and this may lead to resentments because these relationships didn’t give you the value you needed to grow at the pace you wanted.
So in this case, most of the time when you have a significant conflict between purpose and people, stick with your purpose and let your social relationships float. Some people will find you more attractive because of your dedication to your alignment some will find you less engaging. You will likely be at odds with your parents and they may say a lot of hurtful things to you. But once you made the dedication to your purpose, you’ll find it easier to accept all of that because the quality of self-love that you have for yourself cannot be trampled upon.
I definitely tend to be more loyal to my purpose than to specific people because my alignment matters more to me than the longevity of relationships or social loyalty. I believe that those who want to build a relationship with me should accept me for who I am, this includes respecting me and my purpose, as it’s my purpose that makes me who I am. I refuse to lose myself for others who are not willing to grow with me – I believe we can all learn from each other and live in an ecosystem world where we are all authentically beautiful without any pressure to feel the need to conform to someone else’s preference of what they think I should be. I know that once I lose myself to become a people pleaser I’m now living by their perspective of what they want to see in me. I’m essentially giving others the power to tell me what’s good for me when don’t know what it’s like to be me. This is why self-discovery is so important.
What I gain here is a stable feeling of grounding in my purpose. And I feel that’s better for a stronger relationship with life and with humanity as a whole.
I feel less attached to what happens in terms of individual relationships because I see my human relationships as being relationships with different aspects of life. I feel less bothered by criticism or threats. I can’t control what other people do or don’t do, but I can control how I express my purpose, and so that keeps me feeling grounded, centered, and positive. Even when my social circle is going through some changes, I just stay focused on my purpose, and I wait for the dust to settle.
This works for me. I’m not sure if it’s the best approach for everyone. Some people seem to need more stability and predictability in their social circles for a sense of grounding. I tend to see the downsides of the social loyalty approach more clearly. They tell me how stuck they are due to having misaligned social circles holding them back. They lament about various family problems that sometimes seem like bottomless pits and rampant boundary violations. But if their loyalty is to people ahead of purpose, then of course they’re going to have more problems that stem from that approach. In particular, I think such people are more vulnerable to emotional manipulation.
Sometimes you can have the best of both worlds though. That means attracting people who also strongly align with your purpose. Interestingly I find that this means connecting with people who also have a strong purpose alignment within their own lives. On the other side, you may change the minds of those who didn’t grow alongside you, like your parents, and they may come around again to finally discover this beautiful human being that you authentically and naturally are.
Real talk – if the beer has a purpose, which is to create pleasure, this means you have a purpose too. Get clear about your purpose, and be loyal to that. You’ll end some if not most of your inner suffering this way, and you’ll bloom into what you were meant to be.